GET A DOZEN!


Always keep several get well cards on the mantel... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean!

Thankfulness

By Oprah Winfrey

I live in the space of thankfulness - and I have been
rewarded a million times over for it. I started out
giving thanks for small things, and the more thankful
I became, the more my bounty increased.

That's because what you focus on expands, and when you
focus on the goodness in your life, you create more of
it. Opportunities, relationships, even money flowed my
way when I learned to be grateful no matter what
happened in my life.

"Say thank you!" Those words from my friend and
mentor Maya Angelou turned my life around. One day
about ten years ago, I was sitting in my bathroom with
the door closed and the toilet lid down, booing and a
hooing on the phone so uncontrollably that I was
incoherent. "Stop it! Stop it right now and say thank
you!" Maya chided.

"But - you don't understand," I sobbed.

To this day, I can't remember what it was that had me
so far gone, which only proves the point Maya was
trying to make. "I do understand," she told me. "I
want to hear you say it now. Out loud."

'Thank you.'" Tentatively, I repeated it: "Thank you
- but what am I saying thank you for?"
"You're saying thank you," Maya said, "because your
faith is so strong that you don't doubt that whatever
the problem, you'll get through it. You're saying
thank you because you know that even in the eye of the
storm, God has put a rainbow in the clouds. You're
saying thank you because you know there's no problem
created that can compare to the Creator of all things.
Say thank you!"

So I did - and still do. Only now I do it every day.
I kept a gratitude journal, as Sarah Ban Breathnach
suggests in Simple Abundance, list at least five
things that I'm grateful for.

My list includes small pleasures: the feel of
Kentucky bluegrass under my feet (like damp silk); a
walk in the woods with all nine of my dogs and my
cocker spaniel Sophie trying to keep up; cooking
fried green tomatoes with Stedman and eating them
while they're hot; reading a good book and knowing
another awaits.

My thank-you list also includes things too important
to take for granted:
an "okay" mammogram, friends who love me, 25 years at
the same job (and loving it more than the first day I
started), a chance to share my vision for a better
life, staying centered, having financial security.

I won't kid you, having money for all the things I
want is a blessing. But as I look back over my
journals, which I've kept since I was 15 years old, 99
percent of what brought me real joy had nothing to
do with money. (It had a lot to do with food,
however.)

It's not easy being grateful all the time. But it's
when you feel least thankful that you are most in need
of what gratitude can give you: PERSPECTIVE..

Just knowing you have that daily list to complete
allows you to look at your day differently; with an
awareness of every sweet gesture and kind thought
passed your way. When you learn to say thank you,
you see the world anew.

And as Meister Eckhart so eloquently stated: "If the
only prayer you ever say in your whole life is 'Thank
you God', that would suffice."

Don't you all have things in your life every day to be thankful for? I know I do....

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

*sings* "GOODNESS GRACIOUS GREAT BALLS O FIRE!"

I heard some stupid news this morning on my way to work:



A woman & her husband got into a fight Saturday morning. That night, he went to bed - but she was still angry....

She proceeds to pour gas on his manly privates & set him on fire while he's asleep!!!

But, for justice, she also set herself on fire.

Both are in the hospital - he's stable, but she's critical. Now, when & if she recovers, she'll go straight to jail.

What is wrong with people?!?

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

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Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR .......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."