A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the

door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running

around at her feet.



"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?



She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."



"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "What do you use it for?"



"We use it for sex," she said.



The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and

say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you

for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me

exactly HOW you use it for sex?"



The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put

it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

We make the world in which we live
By what we gather and what we give,
By our daily deeds and the things we say,
By what we keep or cast away.

We make our world by the beauty we see
In a skylark's song or a lilac tree.
In a butterfly's wing, in the pale moon's rise,
And the wonder that lingers in midnight skies....

We make our world by the goals we pursue,
By the heights we seek and the higher view,
By hopes and dreams that reach the sun
And a will to fight till the heights are won.

ALFRED GRANT WALTON

[from the same book: "When Your World Is Coming Apart"]

If you stand very still in the depths of a wood
You will hear many wonderful things;
The snap of a twig, the wind in the trees,
The whir of invisible wings.

If you stand very still at a difficult hour
And wait for the silence within,
You then will be led in wisdom and strength
Through a world of confusion and din.

If year after year you keep inwardly still,
God will bring you the help that you ask,
In the silence He gives you will find what you need -
His wisdom, His strength, for each task.

[from "When Your World Is Coming Apart" by Donald W. Morgan]
This is a great book!

If you read a previous post of mine, you know that my older brother was in Kuwait from last March until November. He is home safe now, but...

About a week ago, he started acting funny. He sleeps all the time...can't remember doing things, thinks he's doing things he's not, etc.

They spent the night in the ER the other night with CAT Scans, MRI's, blood tests, etc & didn't find anything physical yet. They're waiting on the results of the blood tests still. Now they've been sent to the VA as they're saying it's Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I told my SIL to tell them to check the blood-work for chemical things since he was over in the Iraq War.

He'll say he's going to get cigarettes & then forget. This will happen 2 or 3 times & he'll just lay back down & sleep again. They took my mother to the store & he was paying. He was swiping his debit card - but there was no card in his hand!

He has to sign the papers to admit himself to the VA Hospital, but he thinks he just needs to sleep. That's basically all he does now. His wife is going to call the local VA man & have him call ahead so they know to expect them. She says he'll go "for her, to make her feel better". He'll have to speak to a security-cleared Naval/Military person because they're not allowed to discuss anything that went on over there...period, to anyone. With that, he'll be admitted & have to stay for observation, therapy, etc.

God, please let my brother be OK!

I'm already dealing with my mother's Dementia & keeping her every weekend.

I'm already dealing with problems at home with other issues. I'm dealing with my assenine ex-husband, his wife, & my psycho ex-brother-in-law who can't keep their noses in their own business & trying to ruin my life & my relationship with my kids & Randy.

I'm stressed beyond belief. We all are. Now this...

Thank you in advance for your prayers, good thoughts, etc.

Secret

don't mean to pick on the guys today, but this is too funny to not pass on to all...

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name y our wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.