As you may have read on here, I've been on a domino effect of several bad things happening to me - one right after the other. I feel like I'm at a county "pop-up" traveling fair with the rides that have loose bolts, rotten wood, etc. I'm on a ride & just cannot seem to get off. *sigh*

Anyway, on top of the robbery, the pooping mother's dog, the water problem, the flat tire, etc, my oven went out last Saturday. It sounds like it's coming on, but it won't heat up. It's gas with electric ignitors.

So, me being the try-to-do-it-myselfer first, I pulled out the paper on the back that the service man uses & do what needs to be done to get "the code" for the problem. Ok ... F01 E03. No biggie. I turn off the breaker to reset it. Great! I've done this before a few times when the power blinked off.

This time it doesn't work. I do it again & leave it off for 5 minutes. Still no good. I call the appliance repair people & tell them. She says to leave it off at about an hour. I get Tay to flip the switch on the breaker & leave it off. After I get home from work, I flip it back on & try again. Is SOUNDS like it's coming on, but then it doesn't. I turn on the broiler. It lights up - & then goes out. So, it's back to the repair people.

I give her the model # & the codes I'm getting. He's supposed to be coming out today while Randy is off & home. It's an $80 service charge just to come out.

This morning I call to try to get a time so Randy doesn't have to just sit there all day. I got "He was just about to call you!". Oh good! NOT.

She explains to me that with the code I'm getting & the problem I'm having, it's either the control, the membrane, or both. oohhkaaaaaay. The control is $173.99 & the membrane is $471.99. WTF?!? I CAN BUY A BRAND NEW STOVE FOR THAT - OR LESS!! She said he even called the distributor to see if that was an error. Nope. They want that much for a part. Needless to say, I told her thank you, but no thank you....

So, now we're STILL without an oven & will be for quite some time. *double sigh*

Isn't this just great???? NOT!

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone whoever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

ONE MAN'S STORY...

Dear Diary
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today - Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around...

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other $h!t too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that beyotch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheer leading beyotch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the "@#$%" barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other beyotch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal... or a vasectomy.

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........

Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Just a giggle to start off your Monday morning!
Hope you all have a great week.

We've had months of no rain &, on top of that, 103+ temps here daily for several weeks. Needless to day, we're in severe drought conditions & on extreme water restrictions.

So...Randy heads out yesterday morning to cut the grass. At the bottom of the yard, what does he find? Standing water - & LOTS of standing water!

His first thought was a pipe had burst & he was thinking backhoe digging up the yard, etc with expensive repairs for moi. Then he walks up to check on the hose. What does he discover? The water running FULL BLAST - wasting! He calls me & I FREAK OUT! They start surcharges for water usage over 8,000 gallons a month in increment. We have no idea how long it's been running. I was going to water my little flower bed the other day, but changed my mind trying to conserve water. Then I thought about it the next evening, but didn't. Now I wish I had of because I would've discovered this sooner!

I consult with the kids & they haven't been near the water. I ask Lulu. She & her friend had rinsed off their feet LAST FRIDAY NIGHT, but assure me that she turned it off. That has been beat into their little brains for years - make sure the water is turned off. So, now I'm wondering if someone didn't turn in on on purpose.

I went down & read my meter, then call the water company. Answering service tells me they closed at 4:30. It's now 4:38. Now I get to freak out all night too!

As soon as I get to work, I place the dreaded call. I proceed to explain to her what I think happened. She sees that since I've lived here for 5 1/2 years, my normal use of water is about 5,700 gallons/month. I give her my meter reading/number & she informs me that we've used 36,820 gallons since the meter was last read & turned in. 36,820 (THOUSANDSSSSS) gallons!! OMG! Six months worth of water! AND, the surcharge is $300 in addition to the cost of the water! She tells me that there are a few complaints like mine. She also tells me that there is a man that had his yard rolled & they turned on his water. I have no trees to roll in my yard, but....

The meter was scheduled to be read last Wednesday but hasn't been turned in yet. I'm to call back Monday afternoon too see what it says. It might not affect my bill this time, but next. She says I might have to go before the water board & explain to them what happened - or what I think happened. They might waive the surcharge. Even still, the straight bill for that much water will be HUGE.

My boss man tells me to go on to lunch at about 11:45 since my co-worker (his daughter) will be leaving a little after noon. Ok. I head out, get in my car, start to back up & my car doesn't move. I push the gas a little more & it feels funny. So, I get out & lo & behold my rear tire is flat as a pancake. I came back in & told my boss. He left & went to get me a couple of cans of Fix-O-Flat. It took both cans to inflate my tires with the 17" wheels. When I went back out to leave, I could hear the hissing so it was going out fast.

I jumped in & took off to the tire place. When I get there, I can't even find a place to park! He told also told me that they might not be able to fix it since I put the Fix-O-Flat in it. Never heard that before. He explains that it stays liquid & never evaporates. It will put a coating on the inside that they can't get off well enough to get the patch to stick to the inside wall of the tire. "We'll probably have to replace it." Um, I bet you'd like to. He tells me to come back after my lunch & get someone to come get me as it'll be 2-3 hours before they can get to me. So, off I go.

I went a few blocks away to another tire place. No problem! It does cost more because of the FOF, but can be done. They had to remove the tire from the wheel to clean it out. (The FOF is a thick white coating. It will cause your tire to be off-balance.) After they do that, they put it back on the wheel & air it up to find the hole. Yep! Guess I ran over a nail somewhere.... Anyhoo, he plugged it & I was on my way.

Thank goodness I didn't have to wait very long. It it SO hot outside! It's 104 here again today!

Now I'm back at work. Some lunch break, huh?